One day you'll be back

It was not me. It wasn't for me. That wasn't my Christmas tree. It was a cold August night. The usual at that time of year. The day had passed normally and I happily awaited his call. The windows still stained from the previous day's storm told the story of the days of an atypical summer, a summer that glimpsed the miracle of new love, of the memory of afternoons in the street, of children shouting on the sidewalk for my brother to come down, of my mother shouting for me to finish my homework. Blessed summer, colored crystals, spring of illusion at forty degrees? The afternoons were long until I heard your voice. In that instant the scene froze, and my daily life began to make sense. Your eyes spoke to me through your voice and I could feel how much your fifteen teenage years loved me.All this time I have looked through my memories at the picture of that last afternoon when I saw you. You pretended to know that you were not leaving, that you would come back to say goodbye. You used to tell me: "Christmas is not for me, but when you look at the tree you will have a present from me, every year it will be there, you don't know why or how, but you will always find it". The wet streets talk to me about you whispering your name and reviving my memories and I still hope that one day you will slip through the clouds and come back to look for me, enter through my window and take me to that world that only you know. You swore to me eternal love but that day you left this little girl at the mercy of the passing of time, which is the only one that does not forgive, implacable in its presence, untamed and impossible to tame. If one day I were to tell you that in that tree I found your gift, I would lie, I would cry so bitterly that its lights would go out when I saw my disconsolate tears, useless hopes banished to the oblivion of illusion. That is the true tragedy of childhood, to discover that life is promised to us in crayons that gradually lose their intensity and when we want to realize we have grown too much, and the crayons are already pens, and the pens are markers that one day no longer mark, nor paint, nor write love letters. I miss you. You told me you loved me; that I was your child, the only one, that you would always be with me. But that fateful afternoon you left. And my world stopped, and you knew it. You knew it was our last time. The last time for both of us. The unconditional. The one that tears can't bend. No turning back for the memory of your first smile, no comfort for my poor heart. But I remember you every day, every night, from my little world, from my humble life, I love you and, believe it or not, I wait for you, because I know that one day you'll be back.

Your lie in April

 

 Sweet Kaori:

It's been fifteen years since you left and I still see how you come running back smiling.

I always carry with me the phrases you used to tell me about Charlie Brown, but there's 

 one that I don't agree with: "the secret of life is just to get used to it" and I can't get used to

 your absence and I don't think I ever will.

  It's winter but on your grave there are always flowers, as cheerful as you were.

 I 've tried to go on living and your memory pushes me to want to be happy.

                         When I'm sad I do as you told me: I rest my head on my arms and it's magic: 

I smile again, I see you holding my hands.

You gave me so much that sometimes I think I didn't do enough, you illuminated the darkest 

 path that was my life. 

You know I've got a little girl called Kaori, her mother left us when she was a baby, she

 told me she couldn't compete with your memory.

 And it's true, I'll never be able to  love anyone like you and my daughter reminds me every

moment you were in my life. She is cheerful, determined, talented, funny: she is just like you.

I didn't come to understand the importance of the things you said to me until I lost you.

                                          

                                    "You know, I'm not always going

                                       to be around to help you".

 Kaori, you made me believe that I could handle anything, and that's the greatest gift

I've ever been given. 

I got to play the piano again, I got to forgive my mother, and I'm still seeing Tsubaki and 

Watari. All your unconditional love made me forgive myself too.

True love, Kaori, doesn't knock at the door, it carries keys, and you had the keys to my heart.

                            When we meet again we'll jump off that bridge, and we'll laugh, and 

fireflies will light us up.

You're the love of all my lives because I know that in the next one I'll find you, but this time

we won't be separated, I promise, there will be no fear, there will be no suffering.

 Kaori, it's only for a while, wait for me, keep smiling while you are still illuminating my 

memory.

Thank you for making me so happy. I will always be by your side.

                                                I love you! I love you!

                                                       I LOVE you!

                                           

                                                   Will it reach you?

                                                      I'm sure it will   

                                                                       

                                                             Kousei <3